Monday, February 21, 2011

Enough is enough

Why is it that, while having more opportunities than I can count, I find myself getting in the way of... myself.
Dreams, desires, aspirations, goals; my list goes on with the things I hope to do and be someday. And that's precisely the problem: someday. Rather than realizing the dreams, desires, aspirations, and goals that I can have today, I say someday; thereby negating myself from actually doing anything today. I find myself making statements such as "when this happens then I can..." or "once I'm in a different location, job, city, then I will..." I stand in my own way yet wake up to another day, disappointed and discouraged that nothing is happening in my life and that the feeling of "being stuck" envelopes me. I wake up to another day, discouraged. And rather than step out of my own way, seize the day, and make my dreams happen, I find myself sitting on the couch, eating Oreos and peanut butter, watching Devil Wears Prada while dreaming of living in NYC someday and wondering why my jeans don't fit any longer. I sit here and resolutely decide that tomorrow will be the day and things will change. Tomorrow I will eat better, go back to bootcamp, start taking care of myself again. Tomorrow I will begin teaching myself guitar. Tomorrow I will write that blog that I have been wanting to write for the last month now. Tomorrow I will read the rest of that book I started over a year ago. Tomorrow.
My dreams sit in my tomorrows while I sit and watch the opportunities of today past right through my fingers.
As sad as it makes me to admit, this is not the first time that this has happened. In fact, this feeling and this state of discouragement has become a familiar place for me, all too familiar actually. And rather than look at myself, realize that I am my own worst enemy, and change, I blame it on work, my schedule and the fact that I live in the middle of no where and at least 20 minutes away from anything that remotely resembles a city of any kind. My excuses go on and on. I blame my lack of fulfilled dreams on anything and anyone but myself. And slowly, I kill myself, from the inside out. I am my own worst enemy.
Coming to this realization is nothing new. I have been here before. But something needs to change. I can't keep coming to this realization. I can't keep standing in my own way... and letting myself get away with it. Coming to this realization is only half the battle. It's what I do from here, the next step I decide to take, that really matters. Because without this next step, this realization is worth nothing, dead. And this dead realization doesn't go to the grave alone. It's a death that spreads like the plague, taking down every dream, desire, aspiration and goal I may have. Finding myself, even a year from now, sitting on the couch, eating oreos and peanut butter, watching Devil Wears Prada while dreaming of living in NYC someday and wondering why my jeans don't fit any longer is not a reality I am willing to face. Enough is enough. I have come to this ugly realization, and taking the next step, holding on to every dream, desire, aspiration and goal I have with all that I am. God has given each one of them to me and I am not going to disappoint. Today, not tomorrow, my dreams will come true.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Embracing the silence

I might just have a problem... and admitting this is the first step... or so I've heard.

I'm a crazy multi-tasker. Like, it may just be out of hand. I found myself comfortably seated at the breakfast bar this morning, reading up on all my favorite blogs (thanks to bloglovin this process is so easy!) but the silence was uncomfortably.... silent. So, I moved to the couch, turned on HGTV & kept reading. But then there was a commercial, and I HATE commercials! So I muted the television and turned on some Future of Forestry. Then my show came back on, I muted my music, unmuted the television, and continued reading. And then I started writing. Like I said, I might have a problem.

The problem with my problem is that silence and simply being has almost turned into a four letter word for me. It makes me so uncomfortable to be in silence and just be me, that, well, I never allow silence to surround me. I never allow myself to simply be me. Yet, in our silence, God speaks. And when we are comfortably ourselves, God can come and encourage us, teach us, move us to where He wants us to be. But if we continue to flood the silence with our televisions, music, and noise, God has no room to talk and ultimately gets pushed so far out of our lives that when He actually does speak, we no longer recognize His voice, putting it off as our own random thought.

But, in an effort to hear God, to learn, move, and grow, I'm turning off the television, turning off the music, closing my laptop, and embracing the silence; embracing who I am; embracing the voice of God.

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalms 46:10